The word “decide” means, in its barest essence, “to kill.”
Think about it: Matricide. Genocide. Suicide. Homocide.
In order to choose the powerful decisions that will propel our lives, something else has to die.
I’ve made a huge decision, and I want to tell you about it.
But first, a quick back story.
I have spent many years of my career avoiding that thing they call “niche.” Ugh. There was so much that interested and intrigued me! I didn’t want to feel boxed in. I wanted the freedom to create and offer whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. And so I did.
I’ve coached and developed programs and facilitated workshops on pretty much all the topics, as they relate to me, to women. If I’m interested or inspired, I create a program. I write a blog. I teach a class.
If it was something I was into, I’d package it and offer it.
This “farm to table” approach to my business has definitely satisfied my craving for variety and freshness, but the plain fact of the matter is this…
I have watered down my own message.
I have watered down my life.
In my efforts to be all things to all women, I have diluted my very essence.
I finally realize, the more I water myself down, the less effective I am, in all areas. It’s time to shift.
What I’m about to share with you is vulnerable, and raw in the way that only deep truth can be. I feel a slight trembling in my stomach while I type. But I want you to know exactly what is going on. I feel like I owe that to you. We owe each other truth.
“The world owes us nothing. We owe each other the world.” – Ani DiFranco
2016 has offered me profound change in my inner world, and in the way I relate to my outer world.
Its also offered me deep, incredible healing opportunities.
And its offered me the chance to actually internalize the offerings I have spent years offering others, specifically around the topic of body image and self-esteem.
Wow, imagine that, huh? Wait, what?
The plain truth was that by diluting myself, I got away from my message, in my own life.
Even though a large part of what I have been doing has been focused on “selling positive body image for a living”, my own body image had become terrible.
See, the path to full-bodied love and acceptance doesn’t end when you get up and strip for a theater full of people. In fact, that’s only the beginning of the work, if you dare continue.
Positive body image was for everybody else, but not for me. Sure, I felt good sometimes, with the right lighting or outfit, but feeling bad about myself and my body was becoming more and more pervasive.
I was withholding from myself the very freedom I celebrated and inspired in others. Yeah, pretty effed up, right? Shameful, even. After all, I wasn’t “supposed” to have these kinds of issues! So I buried them deeply. And they festered.
Over the years, my inner world got dark. My self-esteem continued to sink. The inner chatter became nearly constant and very cruel.
But I discovered a fun and convenient way to shut down those mean voices, right under my nose.
Having been a social drinker/weekend party girl all of my adult life, I noticed, without noticing, something cool happened when I was lit.
When under the influence, there were no insecurities, no cruel chatter, for a few hours every couple days, and more hours on the weekends, there was relief. I felt free. But that wasn’t freedom.
I now know, it was the opposite of freedom.
I wasn’t drinking to escape my life. My life was great, after all!
I was drinking to escape myself.
As my drinking began to escalate over the following year or so, so did the repercussions. Lots of hangovers, lots of shame. Lots of pain.
At the end of 2015, I decided to quit alcohol. And can you guess what happened? Yep. Those insecurities I had worked so hard to stifle were right there, waiting for me.
But now, I would finally deal with them, bravely.
Now, I was really ready to tackle this, to heal these patterns and wounds, for me.
This wouldn’t just be something I offered my clients. I would actually turn inward and offer this healing work to my most important client. Me.
And I can say, with humility, pride and deep gratitude, I know what real freedom is now. I’m living it.
It’s a winding path, bumpy at times, but I am 100% committed to staying on it.
Sometimes we have to test ourselves, our commitments. I dabbled this summer with being a “social drinker” again, after several months of abstinence. Yeah, the Great Moderation Experiment.
I decided relatively quickly that I needed to be sober— even better, I would rather be sober. I recommitted to this path. This path is current, it is now. So hot off the press, it’s not even off the press yet.
I am on it, I am in it, working fervently, facing myself in brave ways, examining my beliefs, patterns, triggers and self-talk like never before.
And simultaneously, my work in the world is preparing itself to become the most honest, brilliant and accurate reflection of the work happening within me.
There’s a new incarnation of my business gestating within me.
But first, more healing.
First, more purging, more clearing, more letting go.
First, some deciding. And decide means “to kill.”
As this new chapter of Lisa Carmen, LLC continues to gestate, I prepare, the way a mother does while she waits for the birth of her baby.
Uncertain of exactly what to expect, she is excited, nonetheless. She prepares the nursery. She clears clutter from the home. She nests. She nurtures herself.
And when it’s time to give birth, she knows.
I’m not there yet, but I promise, you will know when I am.
I know this will be the most personal work I have ever offered. I know it will be amazing.
To clear space for this new chapter, I’ve decided to let go of many of the programs and offerings I’ve spent much energy creating and offering.
You’re going to notice some events being canceled. You may notice my offerings lightening on the website and in my weekly Quickies.
I am pulling in my energies. I will no longer water myself down.
Be patient. Be kind. Be excited. Something great is coming.
Here’s what will continue:
- The Burlesque Experience programs and Unleash Your Inner Bombshell workshops will remain, as is, with more being scheduled. I’m also growing my teaching team this fall, to be equipped to scale and schedule more classes.
- Monthly Power Circles group coaching will continue through the end of 2016. If you bought a multi-session pass, use it or lose it, baby! (Or receive some credit for future stuff.)
- My private, one-on-one life coaching programs will continue, exactly as they are, for the time being.
- I will continue to take on new private clients. Current coaching clients will still have the opportunity to extend/continue after their terms are up.
- The Embrace film screening is still on.
- The October Goddess Getaway Retreat is still on! (Can’t wait!)
Pretty much everything else will be cleared away, to create a welcoming space for what’s to come.
This feels terrifying and exciting to share. (Many of you know, I have a word for that- TERRICITED!)
It also feels entirely, completely right.
I trust this stirring. I trust this healing. I trust this journey.
I look forward to our next adventure.
I hope you do, too.
photo by Dee Hill, HAMU by Vivienne Vermuth