change, growth, happiness, self-esteem

Radiance-Robber: The Terrible Way We Speak to Ourselves


Every day I work with women who are looking to reconnect or realign with a version of themselves they feel is lost. As I stated last week and I’ll say it again, nothing is lost. In fact, what you are being called to create, what’s getting ready to emerge from you is a higher, more radiant, more brilliant, sexier, lit up and powerful  version of you.

There is no need to go backward to retrieve some misplaced version of  yourself. A new version of you is waiting to be born. This is in fact your true essence. She’s in there, already.

However, there are several blocks and deterrents that get in the way of us accessing our true essence.

I’ve been giving a lot of thought lately to what I think gets in the way of our true essence.  I’ve boiled it down to seven primary blocks. These blocks, these sexiness-stiflers, these radiance-snuffers, get in the way of our radiant life force, they disconnect us from our joyous radiance. Last week we talked about Old Programming.

This week I want to address the sexiness-stifling, radiance-snuffing  power of the second block…

Crappy Self-talk

Imagine if you will… if the voice inside you, the one that criticizes you, berates you, reminds you of your flaws and shortcomings and works so hard to diminish your power and happiness was an actual person, outside of you, that followed you around, saying those things out loud. You would have that person arrested for assault and harassment!

Or imagine if even just for one single day, you said all the awful, nasty thoughts you spoke to yourself, out loud, to your daughter or niece.

I shudder to think of how painful that would be. Yet, it’s so easy for us to default to talking to ourselves in an unkind way, like it’s no big deal, just another day at the Chattering Mind Office!

Would you continue to allow someone to repeatedly come into your home and rob it and ransack it, time after time? Then why do you succumb to the terrible things you say to yourself, about yourself, that rob you of your peace and radiance?

For you to connect to your true essence, which is joyous radiance, you will need to get this under control. Your brilliance will thank you.

I’ve often said “show me the most successful, beautiful, powerful woman and I’ll show you a woman who deals with insecurities and negative self-talk.” I’m dubious that negative self-talk is even something anyone can ever truly 100% conquer, so they never have another insecurity or negative thought about themselves again.  If you are that person, please contact me! I want what you’ve got! More accurately, it’s a daily practice. Emphasis on the practice.

With effort, time, patience and compassion, we truly can become kinder to ourselves. Ironically, it takes becoming diligent about policing our thoughts, and responding in kind, loving ways. We must learn to stop the cruelty in its tracks. Your mind will try to lead you down dark alleys, but you do not have to follow it.

 So how exactly do we get a grip on this painful and damaging default?

If you remember last week, when we discussed old programming, I suggested that catching the old belief, asking if that’s really what you want to believe and if not. then replacing the belief with a new one. The same goes for our negative self-talk.  In order to change the way you talk to yourself, you first have to catch yourself in the act. Become an active security guard of the way you speak to yourself. Get used to having inner dialogues like this with yourself…

 Chattering Mind: Wow. That was a really dumb thing for you to do. Haven’t you already learned? Seems like you’re destined to be lonely and miserable. SMH.

Security Guard in Your Head: Hey hey, watch it. I don’t like the way you’re talking to me. There are better ways to talk to me.

Chattering Mind: Yeah, well if you weren’t so pathetic I wouldn’t have to talk to you this way.

Security Guard in Your Head: I’m gonna need you to back off. I’m learning to talk to myself in a kind way. I would never say such things to my daughter or my best friend. It’s got to end. I want to feel good. I want to think differently.

Chattering Mind: Okay, fine. What would you rather think right now?

Security Guard in Your Head: That what I did wasn’t that big of a deal, in the big picture. That I am learning and growing every day, and am not the same person I was a year ago or even yesterday and I deserve credit for my courage.. That I deserve my own kindness. I’m a good person, with a beautiful heart…


Bam. The negativity is diffused, and you are one step closer to being someone who speaks kindly to herself. This is not something that will be transformed overnight. Chances are, you have been talking cruelly to yourself for your entire life, or most of it.

Begin with one thought a time. It gets easier, I promise.

What’s one nasty thing you frequently say to yourself? What would you rather say to yourself? Start now. Your fully expressed brilliance is depending on it.

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